Breast Cancer

It seems I have made a practice of being inconsistent. I dislike this. Waiting is getting old, real fast. Maybe this sentence will give my inability to move a heart attack. I feel whole again. And this is a direct result of me letting the people I trust, see me enough to let trust be an action, instead of a theory.

Hate is such a mixed shower of acid rain and bath salts. Shuffling thoughts felt good, but the real aces were eventually lost.
Enter: The Joker
Enter: The Fool

Music has given me life again. Music and soul searching over a Black and Mild. I have had two shows that happened, and went alright in the past two weeks. But I chalk them up as yet more marks in the "L" column, because they could have been better, but were not due to my inaction. I am not keeping up with the standard. Not "The Standard", "My Standard". This pattern of lowering my game and playing "down" to the minor ripples I am facing needs to stop. Its funny how communing with memories pushes me to make now better. Or maybe it is just funny that I havent been doing this ceremony of self check in on a regular basis.

The combination of sheer artistry that was Wicked, and this past sunday in Spring Awakening has shaken the ashes from these pheonix feathers. The critical discussion of technique and accomplishment has sparked a new fire.

Early October helped me realize the importance of temperance. Deprivation isn't strength, actions with reason behind them are. On a related note, I am done partying. Celebrating mediocracy will no longer be tolerated.

The hibernating animal is no longer dormant.
Enter The sound and the Fury: Stage Right

It is time.




Heartwill

"You cant change the game if you dont know the score"

Point Blank: Still Blank

When the winds blow dust in the air, ones first impulse is to close both eyes, and wait.

If I have one fatal flaw, it is my ability to wait- with eyes urgently held shut, stockpiling the expectation that things will get better. You could say I am insane in that respect. I wouldn't argue with you. I would simply close my ears and wait for your opinion to suddenly change.

I haven't had a cigarette in three days. It hasn't been as difficult as the times before. Maybe smoke isn't necessary when you are drowning. Everything else is rearing its ugly head and becoming... sudden, sullen, and all too urgent. Almost got evicted the other day. That was not fun. And because of that and everything else, I have been hiding. Waiting.

Its all a balancing act of calendars now. Just waiting and not waiting. Juggling problems and days. Days juggling problems. Someday I might land. But only time will tell.


"Let it go this too shall pass."